A Sirius Problem
by verity candor
Summary: Sirius is ... well...pregnant. Some SBOC and even a little bit of JPLE if you're lucky. T for content, and some later topics. ON HIATUS
1. Knocked Up

_September 4, Conception_

"Tsk, tsk, tssk. Oh, Snivelly, when will you learn?" cooed Sirius Black. He spoke to a Severus Snape, disarmed and dressed in a pink frilly tutu, with a tiara, and currently looking as if he was ready to explode.

"Snivelly, you just aren't fast enough for me. Just accept it… and keep your wand away from me at breakfast!" he turned around.

And missed seeing Snape suddenly dive for his wand and point it at him.

Before the shout of "Padfoot!" reached his ears, or he could fire his own hex, the other had already yelled

"_Gestatio andros!"_

Sirius paused in shock, waiting, accompanied by gasps of shock from a large number of female admirers. When the tension abated and he sprouted no third arm or second head, he smirked at Snape and said,

"Nice try, Snivellus, but…you lose. Now," he grinned,

"You pay."

-x-

_September 11, One week_

Sirius had been feeling bad for a while now. Three days-ish actually. Three days ago, when he noticed that his…err…breasts had been getting bigger. And sore, too. When a stray punch from Prongs caught him there, he had cringed with sudden pain.

"Bloody hell, ow, dammit!" he'd cried. It had been quite a blow to see Prongs snicker,

and mutter "Pansy." under his breath.

And now?

Now he was in the bathroom, taking a closer look at last night's dinner in the toilet.

He shouldn't really have been too surprised to see Prongs and Moony staring at him in shock from the door.

"Padfoot…?" Remus looked at him in alarm.

Sirius gave a weak smile before blanching and turning back around.

After watching for a few more seconds as Sirius hurled, James opened his mouth,

"You reeeeeeeally need to see Pomfrey."

-x-

Pomfrey looked absolutely shocked to see him,

"Why are you here? Quidditch hasn't even begun!"

Sirius tried to glare at her, but gave up on it as hopeless. Both James and Remus had slung one of his arms around their shoulders and half dragged, half cajoled him out of the dorm, leaving the toilet in Peter's care, to his feeble protests of, "I'm fine." And "It's okay."

"Sirius was vomiting. Very badly." Remus said.

Madam Pomfrey looked at them sharply, "Is that all?" at their nods: "A simple Vomiting Potion should do the trick."

She bustled, not walked, but bustled, off, and James and Remus relieved themselves of Sirius.

"What happened, mate?"

"I dunno, maybe dinner just didn't agree with me." Sirius shrugged, "Really, I have no clue. It's never happened before, and it's not bloody fun."

This caused a few laughs among the friends, before Madam Pomfrey returned.

"Drink up, now."

The smell rising up from it made his nose twitch,

"Do I have to?" he questioned, "It's really making me nauseous."

"What?" she looked surprised, "But it smells like strawberries!" she bit her lip,

"You'll just have to drink it anyway."

He took a nervous sip, before dropping the bottle and hurling himself over the side of the bed.

Madam Pomfrey jumped back, trying to avoid the splashing vomit and breaking glass, "Mister Black!" she cried out, astonished, "What happened? Have you been hexed?"

Sirius looked up at her, wiping the last remnants of regurgitated treacle tart from his mouth, "Well, Snivell- Snape got me a few days ago, but nothing happened, really."

She gave him a quick once over,

"We'll simply have to do a few more diagnostic tests, I guess."

-x-

After being poked, prodded, and forcing some six potions down without vomiting, Sirius was lounging on his cot, feeling a bit better now.

It must have just been nothing after all. Maybe it was a delayed action hex, or something.

Madam Pomfrey walked out of her office looking around nervously; she kept on looking at him as though she had never seen him before, then shaking her head.

That got him worried.

"Mister Black? I," she took a deep breath, "I have been a certified healer for six years, and an unofficial apprentice for eight before that. I have been through broken bones and head injuries, extra limbs in places you couldn't believe, but I have never dealt with this." She took a deep breath.

"Am I going to die, or something?" Sirius was a bit worried about that actually; this didn't seem like happy news hour.

Madam Pomfrey paused and looked at him before smiling, laughing a little.

The three boys joined in at various levels of nervousness

"No, you're not." She shook her head again, "I never thought I would have to say this to a young man, least of all a young man like you." her eyes twinkled a little as she said,

"Sirius, these diagnostic tests show that you're pregnant."


	2. Decisions, Decisions

_Recap: "Sirius, these diagnostic tests show that you're pregnant."_

"Whaaaaaat?" James yelled.

Remus eyes grew wide, to the point where he resembled a large toad more than a person.

Sirius' reaction was intended to sound like "What the hell are you talking about?" but ended up sounding more like, "Who...? W-Wha..?" (delivered, to his embarrassment, in tones fit for a nine-year-old girl)

Madam Pomfrey repeated her announcement. "You're pregnant." she grimaced, "It seems like some sort of spellwork to be honest, because this sort of thing..." she faltered, "isn't... quite... normal. Well," She cleared her throat. "... there it is."

The three boys' faces registered varying states of shock.

"This is a joke, isn't it?" Sirius began, laughing nervously, "I know we deserve it and all, but..."

"Now would be a great time for everyone to jump out from behind the curtains and start yelling 'We got you!'." James said, looking around the room expectantly. The curtains remained woefully silent, and Remus took a deep breath.

"Oh _shit_." he said. Which was really an indicator of the enormity of the situation, because Remus did _not_ curse.

There was an awkward moment, which Remus (again) interrupted. "Well, it's not _that_ bad." he said, "I mean it happens to_ other ..._people."

"Yeah." Sirius said, trying to reassure himself, "It's not like I'm going to miss out on anything important."

"Though, actually that's not true." Remus began, "I mean, we do have exams. How is that going to work?"

"And we've got N.E.W.T.S. next year, too." James threw in.

"And I've heard that you can have mood swings and food cravings-"

"Doesn't that happen to all girls, you know, at various points of the month?"

"Yes, but there are other things he has to worry about, like-"

"All right, all right." Sirius interrupted them, sounding annoyed. "I get the bloody ide-"

"Quidditch!" James yelled out suddenly. Everyone promptly turned to stare at him while he smacked himself in the forehead, "Quidditch!" He grabbed Sirius about the shoulders and yelled, "How the hell are you going to play?" Sirius' eyes widened as he realized the import of James' statement.

"Holy hell!"

"How are we going to win the Quidditch Cup without my Chaser?" James threw his arms out wide, narrowly missing Remus' head,

"How are you going to survive your first year as Quidditch Captain without _me_?" Sirius said loudly, easily as distressed as James.

James' eyes grew wide and he began to gesticulate wildly, which made him look quite deranged, "How will I find a replacement!" He once again closely missed Remus' face.

"Why does this rubbish always happen to me?" Sirius cried.

"My _team! _My _Perfection_!" James finally succeeded in smacking Remus, who sat down heavily, clutching his nose.

James didn't even bother to apologize but fell to his knees in front of Madam Pomfrey, "Save my Perfection! PLEASE!" he wailed piteously, "Please!"

Remus (annoyed and clutching his bloody nose) reached down and slapped James on the back of his head with his free hand. "Get over your bloody self, why don't you? This is way more important than your fanatical devotion to that stupid balls and hoops game!"

In a better time, one of the other Marauders would have a) hexed Remus for insulting Quidditch, b) Found the double entendre in Remus' phrase, and spent a good half hour trading innuendos, or c) both of the above simultaneously. It was _not_ a better time, so James shut up, and Sirius looked at Madam Pomfrey, "Say... _can _you get rid of this? I mean if it's a spell, you can fix it, right?"

Madam Pomfrey looked even more flustered and said, "I know this is a bit of a surprise," The Marauders snorted, "but... I'm afraid... there isn't much to be done. The spell can't be undone."

"Can't be- you mean I'm stuck with it?"

James gave his friend a sympathetic look, "Ah, no worries, we'll get whoever did it... Speaking of which, who was it?"

Sirius paused thoughtfully, "Ermmm... well, I haven't broken up with Samantha-"

"Sandy, her name is Sandy!" Remus said exasperatedly, "You've only been together three days, and you still..." Remus began to rant angrily.

"- oh yeah, Sandy, yet... and none of the others have hexed me either, and-"

"Snivellus!" James yelled out, "Remember, at breakfast."

"-no respect at _all _for other people's feelings-"

Sirius' eyes widened, "Oh yeah!" he frowned darkly, "I'm going to squish that bastard into the ground." Madam Pomfrey made a disapproving noise, and Sirius glanced at her and grinned, "Oh, sorry, forgot you were there."

"Plus, you never - oh Good Lord!" Remus said in a horror-struck voice, abruptly ending his rant. "I've just realized, I mean where -What about- How will you- Where's it going to come out?"

The previously awkward silence grew even more awkward (which was quite the feat.)

"I'm so absolutely screwed."

-x-

"I can't believe this. No Quidditch! I _can't_ _believe_ this."

"Oh shut up, Prongs. With all the whining you've been doing, you'd think_ you_ were having the baby." Remus sighed grumpily.

"Still sore about your nose, eh Moony?" James said.

While Madam Pomfrey had (eventually) patched up Remus' nose, she, a bit distracted, accidentally turned it into a pickle first, leaving Remus looking completely ridiculous while she struggled to find the countercurse. Remus had spent the next three hours with a high-pitched nasally voice, continously threatening James with various types of torture, reducing him to tears only because James and Sirius were laughing so hard.

"Who me? No, of course not! I've actually been waiting for my whole life for you to hit me like that, Prongs!" Remus said indignantly.

James held up his hands, "Whoa there, you're one of my best friends, but I don't like you _that _way, mate."

"This is _not_ a good time, _James_."

Throughout the entire exchange, Sirius, instead of trying to goad the verbal duel towards a full out wizard's one (which would not have been hard, considering Remus' mood), stayed uncharacteristically silent. As he was thinking. And though it took a bit, eventually the other two noticed.

"Why so serious, Sirius?" James asked, deadpan. Remus rolled his eyes.

"I dunno... I was thinking." Sirius said pensively.

"Really! Now there's something you don't see every day!"

"Shut _up, _Prongs." Remus smacked James for the second time that day.

"All right, all right...so...what're you thinking about?"

"This... situation." Sirius gestured at the air around him, and sighed.

"And how it's going to ruin my Quidditch season?"

"Sort of... I dunno, I mean, you know..."

"Nooo, we don't." This was Remus, helpfully piping in.

Sirius made a face, and rubbed his hands together, "I kind of feel like maybe this isn't such a bad thing. Really. Much. I mean, you know how things are with my folks, right? And I've taken, you know, the complete opposite of their viewpoint on everything that's important. It's because they spend all their time trying to control what other people do, and the things that happen, everywhere, and I've always thought that was stupid. Very stupid. I've always needed to get away. It's all about what you choose to do with your life, yeah? And now it kind of feels like I'm giving that chance to someone else, you know? Cuz, this kid, right, he's gonna get - to not have to deal with that, what I did, I mean,so it's not so bad. I guess." he let out a long breath, "Does that make sense?"

James and Remus shot each other identical looks. That had definitely not been what they were expecting. They turned back to Sirius, "Erm...sort of?" James said.

Sirius shrugged, abruptly back to normal, "Okay, fair enough, let's go." Remus snorted suddenly. Sirius cocked an eyebrow at him, "What?"

"Nothing... just... Sirius Black, Pregnant Boy Wonder." he smirked, "Catchy, isn't it?"

James burst out laughing, "That's bloody _perfect_."

Sirius scowled, "There's no way in hell you can call me that."

"You're right..." Remus said, tapping his chin, "How about... mummy?"

"WHAT?" he shrieked, "No effing way!"

Remus put on his best innocent face "Why, what do you mean? You should be thrilled! You're about to experience the miracle of life!"

"...popping out your bum." James added.

"Don't make me kill you." Sirius said.

"Ah, bless him, he _cares_ about us."

This time Sirius gave the evil grin.

"Actually, I'll be needing you to change diapers."


	3. Betting Pools and the Girl

_September 11, One week, two days_

Peter rushed to the door of the dorm as the other three entered, "Where have you been? I've been cleaning up since you left, and-"

"I'm pregnant." Sirius said the words with finality. "Pregnant. Snape-"

Peter wrinkled his nose, "Snivellus? Really? How is that even possible? And don't you hate him? I thought-"

"Ewwwwwwwwww!" The other Marauders whined.

"That's just, UGH!" James shivered.

"God! We have corrupted you! What made you think-?" Sirius stopped and shivered. He made a gagging noise and continued.

"Snivellus hexed me, got it? HEXED! With his bloody wand!" James snorted, "What?" Sirius said.

"You know… _hexed_... _wand._"

Sirius just stared, obviously too disgusted to respond. He turned back to Peter and continued speaking.

"Anyway. He hexed me, and now I'm pregnant!"

"So you can't get rid of it?" Peter questioned.

"Yes...No. You know what I mean."

Peter looked at him askance, "What?"

Sirius rolled his eyes. "It's complicated, and I want to eat something. Kitchens, anyone?"

All three raised their hands.

"All right, let's go."

-x-

In the kitchen, they were in for a surprise. The usually voracious Sirius ate two pancakes, then stared around the room, yawning slightly. While the others proceeded to wolf down humongous amounts of food, he stood up.

"I think I'm going to go back now." He said. "When you're done, we can go tell Pomfrey, McGonagall, whoever."

He sauntered out and headed up to the dorm, quickly saying the password and entering. He headed over to his favorite sofa and sat down, only to jump up when he felt someone beneath him,

"Who the HELL-" he burst out, and stopped abruptly.

He couldn't yell now, it was a girl. One he'd never seen before…

"Hello." He said bemusedly, "Who are you?" he paused and looked around, "And what are you doing inside, alone, in an armchair on a beautiful Saturday like this?"

She looked at him, meeting his gaze head-on, "Aislynn Hawthorne. Pleasure to meet you. And, by the by, It's seven in the morning, so no one I know wants to be awake at this time of the morning." She cocked her head a bit, "No need to introduce yourself. I know that you're Sirius Black, usually seen in the company of Remus Lupin, James Potter and Peter Pettigrew."

He plopped down on the couch, not really surprised at her recognizing him. The four of them were rather popular, more so with the time. "Seven in the morning? Really?" '_I must've been up since four!' _he thought, _'Throwing up since four, pregnant for a week.'_

She nodded placidly.

He took another look at her, "Aislynn, huh? That's a nice name." She had a nice enough face, too. A brunette with blue eyes. Nice features. Why hadn't he met her before?

"Sirius, huh. That's a funny name." she was cheeky, too. Neat.

"So…what year are you in?" he smiled at her, a famous grin known to the other Marauders as the 'I'm-turning-on-the-charm-so-beware-ladies' grin. The girl just looked out the window,

"Fifth year."

"Oooh. O.. Brutal." He shook his head in pity. So she didn't want to play. Fine. It's not as if it would have worked out. Not with Sandrina What-'Have-You in the wings. The name reminded him of something else…

Crap! He was pregnant! What would he do about the girls! Who was going to want to go out with him _if he was fat_! His hard-earned Quidditch body was going to go to waste _all year_. He cursed under his breath.

Aislynn looked at him as if he were mad. "Why…er…Did you just curse at me?"

"What? No. I was just thinking…about some…problems I'm having." There was no need to tell anyone yet, after all. They would probably notice in a few months anyway…

"Oh, I see. A guy thing?"

"Not quite. Not at all, really. In fact, most people would call it a ladies thing." Sirius mused absently.

She was definitely puzzled. "A _ladies_ thing? Why do you have to deal with a _ladies _thing?"

He was about to open his mouth and cover up the mistake, when James, Remus, and Peter rushed in.

"Padfootsie! My preg -"

Remus saw the girl in the seat and tried to shush Prongs.

"Prongs, there's another perso-"

"-nant buddy! We bring you offerings of éclairs and chocolate!"

Aislynn looked at them, "Pregnant? Err…what?"

Prongs turned a deep red. "Umm…Moony? Could you say something?"

Remus gave him a look fit for McGonagall. "Maybe you should have _looked around the room first?_"

"And maybe give me the food? Chocolate is very yummy at this time of day." Sirius held out his hands pleadingly.

Aislynn looked around at them, "But, why did you call him pregnant? Is that just ... what you normally do?"

Sirius shook his head, mouth filled with chocolate. He gestured at Moony before swallowing, "Explain."

Remus muttered something suspiciously like "Always shove it on me." before launching into an explanation.

"Well, no, you see, Sirius is _actually_ pregnant. We all just found out today, this morning. You see, Snape-"

Aislynn's jaw dropped, "_Snape_? You've been at it with the _enemy?_"

Sirius' jaw dropped, the others snickered, and his face turned crimson.

"No! NO! NO! Snape hexed me! _Hexed_! With a _wand_! Why does everyone think…as soon as you say 'Snape'…I am a _male_!"

Aislynn looked like she was going to say something before shrugging, and nodding, "Okay…I guess you don't really know about the betting pools…so-"

Four cries of "Betting pools?" filled the air.

"Oh. Yeah, betting pools. I think these have been running for about ... four years. Ummm…there are the homosexual pools, and the heterosexual pools. It's all illegal, but hell, black market and all. There are also just the miscellaneous ones. I thought everyone knew about them, but…maybe it's just the younger kids."

"Betting pools on _us_?"

She nodded, "Most of the heterosexual ones are pretty boring, and not many bets are coming in on that, except for two, the Sirius Black quarterly, and the Potter-Evans pool."

"There's a Potter-Evans pool? I have HOPE!"

"Quarterly? What does that mean?"

"The Quarterly is betting on how many girls you get, you know, quarterly." She smiled a bit wickedly, "It's the homosexual ones that are the most interesting…"

Remus looked interested, "What…" he hesitated, "are the biggest ones?"

"Err…" Aislynn waved a dismissive hand, "I'm not sure you want to know…"

The Marauders protests to the contrary forced her on.

"Well," She began, counting off on her fingers, "There's a Potter-Black, a Black-Lupin, a Black-Pettigrew, Lupin-Pettigrew, Potter-Lupin-Black, and a Potter-Lupin-Black-Pettigrew one. These are the biggest ones for Gryffindor. The inter-house ones that you might be interested in are: Snape-Lupin, Potter-Snape, and, the most popular, Black-Snape."

The three boys stared in silence, before James and Sirius shot each othe identical devilish grins.

"Alright then, we would like to place a bet of ten Galleons for the Potter-Black pool."

"What?" Aislynn asked.

"Ten for Potter-Black. And ten for…say…two girls on the quarterly."

"And ten for Potter-Evans and-"

"Five Sickles against all of the ones with Sniv-Snape, please."

"And I'll throw in ten Sickles _for _each of those."

"Are you _mental_? That's disgusting! Ten more against!"

"Ooh, five galleons for the threesome."

"And five galleons for the _four_some."

"Actually, two Knuts for the Lupin-Black one, too."

"Really, Moony? I never knew…!"

"But you knew about the Potter-Black? What's been going on while I'm on Patrol?"

Aislynn interrupted the exchange, "Oh shoot, I forgot to mention, in het pools, there's also Black-Evans and Lupin-Evans."

There was dead silence before Remus interrupted quietly,

"Ten on each of those, too, please."


	4. Breaking the News

_September 12, One week, One day_

"Yippee! It's Sunday and I'm destroying my tooth enamel!" Sirius said sarcastically.

He was peering into the mirror after his most recent bout of "vomitation." He was _positive _that by the time this was over his teeth would be all shot to hell, and he'd have to get dentures to cover up the fact that his teeth were filthy and yellow. He grimaced and began to brush. Stupid baby.

_An hour later_

It was 5:00 a.m. On a Sunday. Why was he awake? Oh yeah. Grrr. He _could _have gone back to bed, but he wasn't sleepy. So on a Sunday morning, for the first time in his life, he did his homework. He was such a loser. Arrgh. Stupid baby.

He fell asleep over his potions essay and had James dump a bucket of water over his head at eleven. _Arrgh. _Stupid _baby_.

"So…What do we have planned?" he asked excitedly once he'd dried off and they'd all gathered in the Common Room.

"Well…" Remus began, "We, no, _You_ have to tell McGonagall and Pomfrey, and whoever else. The rest of us have to eat breakfast and lounge…all day."

"You're abandoning me?" he cried. When they all nodded, he told them a few things they didn't know about their mothers, and proceeded to walk away. Only to bump into someone.

"Christ! Who the bloody… oh… You." he finished dramatically. Aislynn shrugged, "This is getting to be a pattern isn't it? You attack me and get halfway through cursing before you notice I'm female."

He started indignantly, then subsided, "Yeah, it is. Anyway, the rest of my idiots are abandoning me all by my lonesome to tell the powers that be that I'm having gender-bender issues. Wanna come?"

She grinned, "_Yes, _I would! My stock would go up about seven times if I was walking with _you_ on Sunday morning."

He snorted then turned around to face his "friends". "See, you traitors! I have someone who _will_ walk with me," He glanced at her before continuing, "And she's a hell of a lot better looking than you, Prongs." He called out, still staring.

He casually slipped an arm around her that was quickly batted away. He stopped for a minute, "You sure you want to do that?" he asked, and promptly got smacked in the head. He grinned and looked away. "Okay, okay. You'll see it my way sooner or later."

She rolled her eyes, "When your stomach is how big, do you think?"

He glared, then gestured towards the Hospital Wing, "We should go, _I think_."

She laughed, and followed in his wake.

-x-

"No, no! I swear! Professor Dyke was _absolutely_ flirting with me! It scared me shitless, really! I know I look brilliant, but the guy is gayer than a-"

Of course, the one guy that was totally off limits would be hilarious, Aislynn thought after they left Madame Pomfrey. And chivalrous (She didn't know anyone else who still opened doors for girls.) And handsome…

And he was _definitely_ going to destroy her reputation, _and _probably ditch her, too, she had to tell herself fiercely, if she let him near her, that was. There was no way she was setting herself up for "Heartbreak with Sirius Black." Not after five years of resisting those damned eyes.

-x-

"Hello…" Sirius waved his hands in front of Aislynn. "What, go crazy over my eyes or something?" he gave her a cocky grin, and waited.

She snorted, "Yes, that's _exactly_ what happened."

He shrugged, unfazed by the sarcasm "It was inevitable. You wait here. I'll go break the news to Minnie."

"Have fun, dear."

"Thanks. I'll need it." He made a face that sent her into giggles, and walked in.

"Minnie, my love!" He called out.

"Detention, Black." The Professor was dressed and writing something down in a journal. Lesson plans, probably.

"I knew you loved me." He continued before she could break in, "I'm actually here for a serious reason. I have news."

"What?"

"I… am…" he floundered a little. It was harder than it looked.

"Mr. Black, if you are here to waste my time while your friends are planning a prank that's going to have me spending Sunday night scraping slime off of the ceiling of the Great Hall, leave now."

"I'm pregnant." He said it quickly - it still sounded so damned _odd _when he thought about it.

McGonagall very frankly gaped, before regaining her composure.

"Another detention, Black." she said, turning back to her lesson plans.

"No, no, I'm dead serious. I mean, I'm alive and serious. I mean…" he sighed, "It's true. I'm reproducing. Print it all over the Prophet."

At that very moment, a little piece of paper shaped like a swallow flew in the door and landed on McGonagall's desk. She read it quickly, and Sirius watched as her eyebrows shot up. He had a good idea who that was from.

"Poppy…Madam Pomfrey apparently believes what you're saying." McGonagall set the paper down and vanished it.

"She doesn't just believe it, _she_ told _me_. It was news to me, too."

"So what do you propose we do?"

He paused, surprised, "Do? What do you mean do?"

"Whether you'd like to let the other students know. The staff, at least, must be informed. And we will have to plan out a regimen of doctor visits at St. Mungo's and-"

"What? Why? No Mungo's! Please!"

She cocked an eyebrow.

"No…well, you see…I hate hospitals."

"You don't seem to have a problem with the Hospital Wing."

"That's because…okay." He took a breath, and said very quickly, "When I was six, I broke my arm, and when we went to Mungo's there was this healer who kept saying that he had to give me all this crap, and he had this massive needle he kept pointing at me with, and another healer, she was a girl, kept pinching my cheeks and telling me I was adorable and I was going to be all right, and they wheeled this man right into my door, and he was screaming like anything, and he was bleeding in about seven places, and he wouldn't stop yelling, and when the healers were done with him, he started crying, and he wouldn't stop, and then they all, you know, grouped around me, and they stared at me for about an hour, and talked and talked and said all this stuff about stuff and you know used big healer words, the they gave me this rubbish that smelled like it just popped out of someone's… Anyway, then a really big healer, about seven foot two, you know, came in and gave me this look like he wanted to eat me. He was, you know, glaring at me, and said 'Are you ever going to play that carelessly again?' and it about scared the pants off of me, and I started crying, and then, my mum…" he trailed off, "No hospitals."

McGonagall's mouth was twitching, and though she tried very hard to regain her composure, she kept twitching, and he could see her wiping tears from her eyes.

He didn't see what was so funny.

She suddenly, for the first and last time Sirius saw her do it, burst out laughing, then grinned at him, "We can do it at the Hospital Wing. Poppy is fully qualified to take care of this." She shot him another smile. He mused that it made her look about twenty years younger.

Which was still a lot older than he was.

He grinned anyway, "Really?"

She nodded, "Really."

"That's brilliant." His grin widened.

She paused, "So the baby will be born in…June?"

"I don't know, Min…Professor."

She smiled wryly. "Well, at the very least, I'll get a reprieve of ten years before I see a Black again."

He smiled wickedly at her.

"Oh, Professor. It's all about perspective. You say ten-year reprieve. I say, when it's over, you're doomed."


	5. Outcastism and Lily

_September 18, Two Weeks_

"I…I…want to break up with you."

Sirius stared at his erstwhile girlfriend "_You_…want to break up with…_me?_"

He waited as Sheila…Sarah…Samantha? took a breath.

"Yeah, it's just, you know, so much social stigma to be going out with a guy who's… you know, _pregnant_." She said it like he had a deadly disease.

He stared at her, then shrugged. "Wow…I mean…this hasn't actually ever happened to me…It's usually me who breaks it off -" he began.

She reached out a hand and touched his cheek, and leaned up to kiss him, "I'm so sorry…" she gave him a sad, doe-eyed look.

He tried not to vomit. "No, it's fine. I mean I would have done it anyway…" He held up a hand dramatically when she tried to speak, "I couldn't let you go through all of that social trauma."

She missed the sarcasm, "That's so sweet."

"It's who I am, Sally." he said, staring intensely into the distance.

"Sandy."

"What?" He looked at her, puzzled.

She looked angry.

"Sandy. My name is Sandy! Sally…" She looked at him suspiciously, "Sally is in my dorm!"

He paused, recollecting, "And that is…the redhead or the brunette?"

"You were with _both _of them? How could you?" She was almost in tears.

"Hello…I just know them…" She held up an angry hand, "I don't need anymore lies. I thought I was important to you!" She started to cry for real now,

"Oh, come on babe-" he started.

She slapped him. He stared at her in total shock.

"You have no right… after what you did…don't you come chasing after me." She stomped off, swiping at her eyes.

"That went well…" he turned on his heel towards the Gryffindor Dormitory, fingering the red handprint on his cheek, "In other words, good riddance."

-x-

The news had spread like wildfire in the school. Sirius Black…was pregnant. It was the hottest gossip since everyone had found out that Manford Stanton was with a second year, the disgusting pedophile. No one was sure who or how or what, but the gossip mill held it's position steadily. Sirius Black would have a baby in June.

-x-

_October 4, One month, Two days_

"Hey there," Sirius smiled at a girl he was almost sure was in his Potions class, "Do you happen to have-"

She glanced at his face, then her eyes bugged out and she blanched. "Bye!" she squeaked, and hurried off.

"-the Potions homework." He finished, staring at her robes now rapidly vanishing behind a corner. He frowned, and continued towards the dorm, thinking. He suddenly bumped into a gaggle of sixth year Ravenclaws, half of whom began to giggle, the other half of whom began to stare determinedly at the wall. That was the half he had gone out with.

This was completely unnerving him. The only people who actually talked to him normally were his friends and Aislynn, but he was sure Peter had been looking at him funny the other day.

Not to mention that even the teachers had begun to act strangely around him. Nobody seemed willing to punish him for _anything _not even when he'd charmed Professor Kettleburn's robes to-

He suddenly felt the sort of impact usually associated with walking into someone, and then heard the sound of breaking ink bottles. Oops.

He turned around and saw, "Lily!"

He swore. Quietly though. She was a _scary_ girl.

He was surprised when she smiled warmly at him. "Hi!" She grinned widely, "Where's the troop of morons?"

He took a breath, and raised a suspicious eyebrow. What was this about?

She saw his look and shrugged.

"I'm a feminist."

He continued to stare.

"Alright, I'm a feminist, so I've been spending about my whole life trying to prove that girls are as good as guys, and that in some ways they're better because they have to deal with stuff that guys don't. Like kids. The way I see it, people think girls are less useful cause they have kids. If girls have kids you know "out of wedlock", people go on and on about it. But you're a guy. So you're getting a lot of flak about being pregnant, and I think it's really great that you're not bothered about it at all, and I admire you for it."

He smiled, "So you don't think I'm some homosexual creep who has no idea what a condom is?"

Lily grinned, "I wouldn't really give a damn if you were."

"I think you're my favorite person today."

-x-

_October 6, One month, Four days_

Sirius lay lazily on his bed, tossing a ball up and down. "Oh Prongsie-poo! O Prongs- Well, hello." James ran out of the bathroom with only his pants on, toothbrush still hanging out of his mouth.

"Hwa?" (What?)

"Breakfast in ten."

"Sheh" (Shit)

"I invited Lily to sit with us. You mind?"

He was received with a glob of toothpaste in his eye.

"Oo ihviehd Rirry wiffow felling vee?" (You invited Lily without telling me?)

"Yeah. Why? Aren't you "over her"?"

"Row! Roff ah all!" (No! Not at all!)

"Take the damn toothbrush out!" James pulled out the toothbrush and returned to seek refuge in the bathroom. "That's what you said last week! That you were done and over with her."

"I say that _every _week!"

"I told her you wouldn't bother her if she came!"

He glared, "Since when have you two been so chummy?"

Sirius shrugged, "She admires me for daring to go against the worn path of masculine conformity."

"She said that?"

"Yup."

"What do you think'd happen if _I_ got pregnant?"

"She'd think that you and me were more than chums."

"Nothing ever works out for me, dammit!"


	6. Cravings and Love Stories

_October 6, After Breakfast._

"So…" Sirius said. "That wasn't…so bad."

James looked at him in awe, "That was _horrible_, Padfoot! She's going to hate me forever!" He covered his face, "I'm such an incredible _idiot_!"

"I dunno…it wasn't as bad as that time you gave her the roses with boil powder, right?"

"Padfoot…" James began, face still covered,"I dumped a jug of _hot chocolate_ on her. And knocked over her pancakes, which she sat on."

"Don't forget the whipped cream, and the sausages." Peter added, laughing.

"What wouldn't I give to know how to stick _sausages_ in a girl's ear by mistake." Remus chuckled.

"It's just I get so _nervous_ around her! I can't help it! And I try to be nice to her, but—"

"She ends up in the hospital with second-degree burns. It's all right, we understand." Remus finished, still laughing.

Sirius had already laughed to his heart's content about this, so he said, "At least she didn't hex you."

"Oh, well, _there's_ the bloody silver lining."

-x-

_October 15, One month, Thirteen days._

History of Magic.

Halfway done.

Wormy snoring.

Moony staring.

Prongs doodling.

Padfoot…craving.

_Chocolate. Chocolate! And Fish. Yes! Fish and Chocolate! With tomato soup and garlic._ His stomach growled, and he lapsed into a dreamy fantasy. "Mmmmmmmmmm…."

Thirty-four more minutes till lunch… till all his dreams were fulfilled!

Binns droned on and on and on…and on…and…the bell rang!

He threw his stuff into his bag and charged out of the room, James, Remus, and Peter in his wake, and ran straight into…well, we've heard this before.

"Ow, damn, shi-Aislynn."

"And where are you going so quickly?"

"Great Hall, now. No time! Bye!"

"Wait, I'll walk with you!"

Peter interrupted, "It's a better idea to walk with us, actually. He's running."

She shrugged and hung back, "So what's the rush?"

"We have no idea, he just charged out of the room." Peter said.

"He's probably just really hungry." Remus said, sensibly.

"It's never that simple with him." James rolled his eyes.

Sirius' nearest neighbors at the Gryffindor table were sitting about two feet away when the rest of the Marauders entered.

They all stared in shock at his meal.

"Padfoot, what is that?"

"Absolutely delicious."

"That's _not _a meal." Remus said, disgustedly.

"Well, that's why I'm eating it, and you're not." He grinned up at them, mouth coated with the remnants of his food.

"Why don't we all just stay—" James stopped and whimpered.

"Stay what?" Aislynn asked.

"Save me! It's Lily!" James crouched behind Remus.

"Prongs, please, _please _don't embarrass yourself, she's only—"

"I'm dead, I'm dead, I'm dead." James muttered, "She's going to kill me!"

"Prongs! Sit down!" Remus said, exasperated, "Agrippa's abacus!" He rolled his eyes heavenward, apparently beseeching the sanctified mathematical tool. "Why are _all _of my friends idiots?"

Lily reached the table, "Hi!"

There was a chorus of "Hi!"s from the table.

James stared downwards and grunted. Lily gave him a look, before turning to the rest of them. "So, how are things?"

"Good, except now I want pudding." Sirius said.

"Pudding?" Remus said, "But you _hate _pudding - Wait, is the reason you're eating this rubbish because of cravings?"

"Yeah, sure!" Sirius grabbed the pudding and dug his spoon in with a satisfied sigh.

Lily's eyebrows shot up, "Riiight." Then she swallowed and fixed her eyes approximately a foot to the left of James' face. "Anyway, I actually just came to say that I completely forgive you for what happened at breakfast, I mean everyone makes mistakes, right? So it's all right!"

James looked up at her in shock, "You're not going to kill me?"

She met his eyes this time. "Obviously not."

"But…why?"

She sat down and filled her plate, "Well, seeing as I'm _not_, do you really think it's a good idea to question my reasoning?"

He stared at her openmouthed before suddenly smiling and attacking his food with renewed vigor.

-x-

_Later_

"This is amazing!"

"What is so amazing?" Sirius asked, confused.

"She _likes_ me!" James said, pumping his fist in the air, "I did the stupidest thing in the world, and she didn't even get angry!"

"I dunno, maybe Pomfrey just sedated her or something." Sirius said.

"Maybe…but I agree with Prongs. She probably does like you." Remus said.

"Wait…wait…like…meaning _fancy_? As in Lily Evans, demonic firecracker, _fancies_ Prongs, unbelievable moron?" Sirius asked, surprised.

"Well, it was only a matter of time wasn't it?" James said, "Yes!" He pumped his fists again.

"I'm still in shock. _Evans_. _Really_. Why now, though?" Sirius continued

"Who knows? Who cares? Maybe this time she'll say yes to me!" James grinned, off in dreamland.

"Now she's done it. He's going to be in Lalaland for weeks!" Sirius said.

"Come _on_, Padfoot." Remus said, "Really?"

"Remember that time she called him thoughtful in fourth year? He wouldn't stop singing those godawful love songs."

"Oh. Blast."


	7. Greek Names and Other Stupidity

_October 15, One month, Thirteen Days_

"That's the stupidest thing I have _ever_ heard in my _life_." Sirius said angrily.

"But it's a nice name!" said Remus, "Plus, it even sounds good with your last name!"

"Moony, you _idiot_! Perseus Black? Not even in my nightmares!" Sirius frowned, and plunged his hand into an extra-large box of _Bertie Botts' Every Flavor Beans._

"How about Theseus?"

"No."

"Pegasus?"

"That's a horse!"

"A winged horse!"

"Still not tempting."

"Bellerophon."

"Dammit Moony, that's even stupider than the first one! Bellerophon," he continued derisively, "it sounds like a flamethrower or something."

"I'm with Padfoot on this one." James said, "Plus, he's naming his kid after me."

"Not on your life! James Black sounds just as awful." Sirius said. "And what if it's a girl, smartass?"

"Aurelia!" Peter piped in.

"What?"

"That's my grandma's name!"

"I _refuse _to name my kid after an old lady."

"Lily!" said James.

"Not a chance! The only way there's ever going to be a Lily Black is if I marry Evans."

James glared, "As if she would ever _marry_ you. That would be the _worst_ couple ever!"

Remus paused thoughtfully, "Speaking of 'worst couple ever', why haven't you asked Lily out yet?" Remus neatly dodged James' pillow, and grinned.

James put on a disdainful look and said "Because-"

"She might hex you?" Peter supplied,

"No," said James, crossing his arms "Because-"

"You've given up on her, and fallen in love with your broomstick?" Remus said, smiling again.

"No!" James said, irritatedly, "Because-"

"You've fallen in love with me!" Sirius said.

James sighed frustatedly, rolled his eyes, and then put on a simpering smile, "Yes, Padsootsie-poo, I've realized where my heart truly lies, and I must confess… I _wuv_ you!"

Sirius smiled, playing along, "Oh Jamesie-Wamesie, you don't how long I've been waiting to hear those sweet words." He clutched his heart in mock agony, "I've been pining for you so_ lo-ong_." Remus snickered.

"Oh, Padfoot-sie!" James said throwing open his arms. Peter started to laugh aloud.

"Oh – Aislynn?" Sirius dropped his arms, as James reclined in his armchair, wailing mock tearily.

"Oh, Padfoot-sie pie, why, oh _why_ did you do this to me? How could you say _her_ name? Oh what shall I do-o-o?"

"Prongs, shut up!" Sirius said chucking a cushion at him, "What are you here for?" he asked Aislynn confusedly. She, meanwhile, was smiling.

"Oh, I just wanted to see you, _Padfoot-sie_."

"Oh no, you don't!" James began, "You may have stolen his heart, but only I'm_ allowed _to call him that!"

Remus rolled his eyes, "Prongs, please, _please_, settle down."

"But she stole my Padfoot-sie!" James pouted, "Comfort me, Moony-poo!" he said, falling theatrically onto Remus' shoulder.

"Christ!" Sirius smacked his forehead, and Aislynn said, "I don't know about you, but if this goes public, I'm going to make a lot of money!"

"What?" Sirius said.

"Never mind," Aislynn said, evasively "Anyways…fancy a walk?"

Sirius held out an arm, "Certainly, good lady."

And they left the Common Room, accompanied by James' receding howls.

-x-

"So…what's the occasion?" Sirius asked. "Going to reveal the true depths of your love for me?" As she opened her mouth, he continued, "Don't worry, Prongs didn't mean anything to me; he was ... just another fling."

She snorted and said, "You are the world's _biggest _prat!"

"Now, that's not the confession I was hoping for." He said dryly.

"Shut up! I don't fancy you."

"It's okay; I've too many things going on lately…" Sirius rubbed his belly, ruefully.

"Yes, I know about the baby."

"No, I meant I was hungry." Sirius said.

Aislynn rolled her eyes, "You're so hopeless…"

"Again, _not _the confession I was hoping for…"

-x-

_Back in the Common Room, _

"So…now that Sirius is gone, back to the original topic." Remus said.

"What original topic?" Peter asked.

"Why Prongs hasn't begun his regimen of stalking Lily again."

"I never stalked her! And plus, I think I've grown out of that!" James said, annoyed.

"The only thing you've ever grown out of, Prongs, is diapers." Remus said, making both Peter and Remus start laughing.

"Do you want to know my reason, or not?" James said, angrily.

"Yes, Mr. Stalker, we do." said Peter.

"Well, okay then," James started, "See, every time I think Lily likes me and I ask her out, she …" he tried to think of a word to describe Lily's wrath.

"…has a Lily fit?" Remus supplied.

"Yeah, that." James nodded at him, "So I figure, why tempt fate or whatever, right? If she actually has a thing for me, she'll tell me herself…and if nothing happens in a week or so, I can always try again, right?"

"Wow, you actually said something normal about 'the princess of your heart'." Peter teased.

James eyes grew wide "You guys read that?"

"Sirius found it when he was looking for his lucky knickers." Remus said.

"Oh _shit_, I feel like such a prat." James smacked his forehead.

"Don't worry, it's our solemn duty as your friends to embarrass you as much as possible…and speaking of embarrassing," Remus gestured to a point beyond James' shoulder, "here comes 'the lady of flaming light'." he finished, grinning.

James held up a warning finger and said, "Stop doing that!" Before realizing what Remus had said, and looking over his shoulder.

"Damn…she looks _mad_ about something!" James stood up hurriedly, "I'd better go."

As he made to leave, Remus asked, "Why are you leaving? You _haven't _done anything, right?"

James made an angelic face, blinking innocently."No."

Remus rolled his eyes, "Alright, get out of here. I'll stall for you."

"Thank you so much." James said, before shooting up the stairs to the boys' dormitory. Peter hopped out of his chair, said, "I think I'll go, too! That Lily is_ scary_!" and dashed up the stairs behind James.

"What is the point of my life?" Remus asked while turning around in his chair to face the oncoming Lily fit.

-x-


	8. Secret Confessions and a Lovely Walk

_Back on the grounds_

"So then she says, 'Those aren't mine, they're my roommate's!'" Sirius finished.

Aislynn burst out laughing, and then grinned "_This_ is why I wanted to walk with you! I needed a good laugh!"

"Ha! You think I'm funny! First step to twoo wuv!"

"The way you keep talking about love all the time, I'm starting to think _you_ fancy _me_."

"…If I'm the world's biggest prat, you're the world's biggest pratess."

"Pratess is not a word!"

"Well, it should be…I mean, steward, stewardess, prince, princess, god, goddess, lord, lordess-"

"Lady."

He stopped in midstride, "Huh?"

"Lord, _lady_. Not lordess."

He shrugged, submitting. "Oh, well, pratess should still be a word."

"Well, excuse me - and, also, according to the rules of the Universe, you just insulted a pretty girl, and now you owe me something."

"A butterbeer?"

"Where are you going to get a butterbeer from?"

"Well, there's a Hogsmeade trip next week and -"

"Are you asking me out?" Aislynn said, suspiciously.

"No…" Sirius lied carefully, "I was going to say 'and I can get one there.' But maybe the elves in the kitchen have some…"

"Where is the kitchen?"

"To quote Sir Cadogan, the mental, 'Follow me, gentle lady, as we quest!'"

-x-

_Common Room_

"Hello, Lily. How are you?" Remus asked politely.

"Me? Oh, I'm just bloody wonderful!" she said angrily.

"Really, that's-" Remus began.

"Not only am I failing stupid Transfiguration, I also have three essays due _tomorrow_," Lily continued, completely ignoring him, "I have a massive migraine, because some _idiot_ thought it'd be funny to dump an entire tub of rat liver on anyone who tries to get in the Slytherin dorm, so I've spent an hour cleaning up rubbish there, and if that wasn't bad enough, I fell through the trick step on the way up here, and—." She collapsed into James' recently vacated armchair, and curled up, leaning her head on an armrest, "Where's a knight in shining armor when you need one?"

"Ummmm…" Remus advised. "Well…" He snorted, and shook his head. "And I thought I had problems."

She lifted her head, looking at him alertly, "What problems?"

"A distinct lack of development in my romantic interests…"

"Romantic interests? What do you mean?"

"Well," Remus sighed, "There's this one girl I ... rather fancy, I suppose, and not only can I never open my mouth around her, except, you know, to say things like, 'Hi' and 'the Arithmancy homework is', but, as I understand it, she's practically got a boyfriend, so she's just about off limits."

"Aw, poor you!" Lily said sympathetically, then added slyly, "...I'm having some boy problems, too."

"Really, now?" Remus said, quirking an eyebrow.

"Yes," she sighed, and then looked at him appraisingly "Not a word to _anyone_ about this okay?"

"Swear on my mum's grave!" Remus lifted his left hand.

"Okay," she lolled back in her chair, "what do you when this _moron_ of a boy has been being utterly stupid, and chasing you all around the place. You're positive he likes you, but you don't like him. And then, this guy, who's been after you for some four years, absolutely _stops _talking to you! You're waiting and waiting for him to start being his normal utterly dumb self, and start bothering you again, but it's been a week, and he hasn't even looked at you funny! Then you start wondering…is he gay?"

Remus did a double take, "What? Why would you think that?"

"Well, see, he spends all his time with Sirius, right? And now that-" She bit her tongue. "Shit. Shit. Shit. I can't believe I just did that."

Remus rolled his eyes, "Oh come on, I already knew who we were talking about. How many other boys have been chasing you around for four years?"

Lily gave a nervous smile, "Well, it made me feel less stupid about telling you…so why isn't he annoying me?" she said insistently, "It's absolutely driving me crazy that he doesn't talk to me anymore! I mean would it _kill_ him to look at me?"

Suddenly the Common Room door burst open, and Lily and Remus whirled around to watch as Sirius and Aislynn tumbled in, clutching their stomachs and laughing. Aislynn took a couple of deep breaths and calmed down, as Sirius answered the Fat Lady's insistent questions with increasingly flirtatious responses (setting Aislynn into giggles again) so that when he finally walked off, the Fat Lady's round cheeks were a cherry red.

"Well that was fun!" Aislynn said grinning.

"Of course, what did you expect!" Sirius replied, "Now the rules of etiquette demand that I drop you off, but I can't go up the stairs, so goodbye, adieu, tata, and stuff." He watched Aislynn run up the stairs, then turn and wave at him. He turned back around beaming, "And what are you two wonderful people doing?"

"None of your business." Lily said, and then turned to Remus, "See, _Sirius_ makes it obvious when he fancies someone!"

Sirius' "Wait what?" was interrupted by Remus', "As if Prongs hasn't." Lily replied with, "Well, it's getting harder and harder to tell." Then she got up, nodded at Sirius, and flounced up the stairs.

Sirius looked at Remus, "Do I _really_ make it obvious when I fancy someone?"

"It's usually pretty clear to everyone." Remus said.

"I don't fancy her, you know." Sirius said.

"Oh?" Remus said, raising an eyebrow, "Really?"

"Yes, _really_, she's just the only half-decent looking girl who still talks to me."

"Lily talks to you."

"I mean, the only girl that's single."

"Sirius, even if you won't admit everyone knows you _do._"

"…Jump off a cliff."

"Maybe later."


	9. Breakfastian Choas

_October 20, One month, eighteen days_

"Padfoot has a cru-ush." Peter teased.

"Shut up."

"Padfoot's in lo-ove." James grinned.

"Shut up!"

"Padfoot wants to have s–" Remus began.

"Moony, you're a virgin. Prongs, you're a hypocrite. And Wormtail, you're pathetic." Sirius said with supreme disdain as he finished off his bacon and leaned back. His three friends glared at him.

"That was totally uncalled for! _Really _rude, in fact." James said, crossing his arms.

"You lot _never_ let me have any fun!" Remus sulked.

"What kind of fun?" Lily said, leaning over to speak to them, red hair brushing James' face.

"Sh-psh-blah." James clarified.

"Uhhhh…what's wrong with _him_?" Lily asked, looking confused.

"He has a brain defect. Insane." Remus whispered, deadpan.

Sirius continued "Yes, it happens whenever he sees – Ahh!" This was because an unidentified flying object landed suddenly on his shoulder. "What the– ohhh, Sop!" He plucked his brown owl off of his shoulder. "Here, have something!" Sop leaned over and sniffed delicately before she turned her head away, hooting disgustedly. "C'mon Sop, you never say no to breakfast!" Sirius looked at her perplexedly, "What's your problem?"

"That isn't even edible for an owl, I think, is the problem." This helpful suggestion came from Aislynn, who sat down next to Lily, "Hey, Lily. Hello, lads." Looking at Sirius, "What are you eating? And what kind of a stupid name is Sop?"

"Hey, it's good! And Sop is a cute name!" Sirius said indignantly, "Not to mention, it's hardly as bad as her whole name!"

"Cute?" James snorted.

"It's gets worse?" Lily said sarcastically.

"No..." Sirius said, pulling off his letter and shooing the owl away as Remus said, "Oh yes, much worse."

"Okay, now we have to hear this." Aislynn said, eagerly leaning forward, "What _is_ her name?"

"Not telling!" Sirius said abruptly.

James grinned wickedly, and to Sirius' dismay, clearly enunciated the words "Synthetic Owl Panties."

Lily spluttered and spit a mouthful of pumpkin juice onto Peter in shock, "Oh sorry, let me help!" she said apologetically.

"Synthetic Owl Whats-its!" Aislynn shrieked as Lily distractedly waved her wand and caused Peter's head light on fire.

"Synthetic Owl Panties." Remus sighed while Lily frantically tried to put Peter's head out .

"You're right, that is worse" Aislynn said to Remus, too absorbed to notice both Peter's yells and Lily's eccentric wandwork turning the flames purple.

"Well, there's a long story behind it."

"Tell me!" Aislynn cried. "I _love_ hearing gossip!"

Sirius, grinning, gestured for Remus to explain.

"What the…why me?" Remus raised his hands heavenward, and then eagerly leaned forward to tell the tale. Peter tried to put the flames out with his own wand and made James' plate explode

"Hey, I wasn't done!" James cried.

"You'll live, Prongs." Sirius sighed, "You eat like a pig, anyways."

"In fifth year," Remus began loudly, drowning out Lily's anxious apologies, and James' angry denials, "Sirius' old owl, Jack, died. Sirius went to buy a new owl, and in Eeylops the owls kept…you know" he motioned with his hands, "… on us."

"You-know what?" Aislynn asked.

Remus took a breath, "Ah…"

"Shitting." Sirius said, immersing himself in his letter.

"Oh." Aislynn said.

_Mr. Black, your first appointment-_

"Appointment?"Sirius muttered, eyebrows rising as he finished skimming the parchment.

_-for a checkup has been scheduled for the 22 of October. Please read the accompanying pamphlet before this time._

He pulled out the pamphlet, entitled _Are you a Witch in the DUFF?_

"Witch?" Sirius said, angrily, "What the hell?"

"-so then he and Prongs plan out the whole thing all night and have an entire _fashion line_ ready by the next morning. Prongs realizes they need a model, so Sirius volunteers his owl, what with that being the whole reason for the whole mess!" Despite being so reluctant to start the tale, Remus was narrating enthusiastically.

"A fashion line of _synthetic owl panties._" Aislynn said, incredulous.

_-x-x-x- Are you pregnant? Well, no worries, because we here at the Distinctly Underage Female Fraternity (DUFF) are always here to help young women in trouble._

"What the hell! What is _up_ with this _girl _thing! Stupid pamphlet. I'm _male_!"

"Lily, stop trying to help! It hurts! Owowowowwow! OWWWW-"

"So, James and Sirius, idiots that they are, thought, 'Why don't we make a commercial for our oh-so-intelligent idea," Remus said, waving his hands around furiously.

"A commercial? You're kidding!"

"Yes, so they put the panties - which were luridly purple, let me remind you - on the owl, parade it around –"

James, realizing Peter's problem, finally pushed Lily away altogether and solved it by upending an entire jug of pumpkin juice over Peter.

"Prongs, you great _prat!_" Peter said, dripping.

_- Difficult as it may be to imagine juggling a healthy diet along with your other needs as a "damsel in distress"-_

"Damsel in _WHAT?_" Sirius said, fuming "I am NOT a damsel_, or_ in distress you moronic little bit-"

"So Prongs couldn't remember the lines! I _said_ it was a stupid idea, but they kept going, and every time he and Padfoot would start laughing whenever Prongs said 'Buy Sop, the Owl Mop."

Aislynn was so red at this point she resembled nothing more than a giant cherry.

"Finally, I said, 'if you stupid gits don't stop, I'm going to hex you into the middle of tomorrow, drag you back, and turn you into mashed potatoes!' So they gave it up. But the owl kept on hearing that stupid phrase so many times; she finally thought it was her name! So now they call her Sop." He finished anticlimactically.

"….AHHHAHAHAAHAAAHH!"

-_You may receive some nasty insinuations from other people, but always remember, as a would be mother-_

"Mother?" Sirius cried, "What the f-"

"Why James, that was rather…valiant." Lily smiled, "I didn't expect anything so noble from you."

James blushed red and stared at his feet "Oh, it was nothing. Anything to help a friend." His eyes flicked up to Lily's smiling face, "And you _are _my friend, aren't you?"

She laid her hand on his arm, "Of course."

Peter stared at them, "Excuse me! Could I have some help?" he said, throwing his hands out. His hair and robes were sticky, covered in pumpkin pulp, and utterly ruined. James gave a flick of his wand, continuing to stare dreamily at Lily.

Peter stared at his robes, now good-as-new and grinned, "Thanks Prongs!"

"Shuh-bles-mosh." James sighed vaguely.

"Err….All right."

-_It may seem impossible to take care of your affairs at this point, but after following these 10 easy tips, all you have left to worry about is childbirth!_

"That…is…it!" Sirius roared, startling the other diners out of their conversations. "I am NOT a witch! Or a damsel! I am NO ONE'S mother and if you think CHILDBIRTH is the ONLY thing I have to worry about, you have a WHOLE LOT COMING TO YOU!" he yelled at the innocuous paper. "WHO the _FREAKING_ _HELL_ wrote this STUPID pamphlet, because I will TEAR them LIMB FROM EFFING LIMB!"

James jumped away from Lily, and hurried to Sirius. He was followed closely by Remus and Peter.

"Whoa there, mate. Breathe! Just a pamphlet, just a piece of paper. Okay?"

"It's okay Sirius, just calm down. The thing is just stupid advice." Aislynn said.

"Stupid sounds about right!" Sirius said, not willing to forgive so easily. "I mean, would it _kill_ them to include some male pronouns?" he cried.

"Let's just get to class, okay?" The three boys pushed Sirius out of the Great Hall, as Aislynn sat back down and said to Lily, "Well that's probably the most interesting thing that'll happen all day!" Lily nodded agreement and stared after them ruefully.

"So…" Aislynn began, "What was all of that with you and James?"

Lily made an (admittedly bad) innocent face. "James? What_ever_ do you mean?"

"Of course, I don't know you very well-"

"True."

"But I didn't see _something_ right now, my name is Pudding Mary." Aislynn said, raising an eyebrow.

"Well, just between us girls," Lily began, sitting up straight, "I figure I can't depend on him to make all the moves anymore. And, so, I think it's time to start the seduction." She finished.

"Well, it's working really well… He just melted into a pile of goop!" Aislynn finished, sounding very impressed.

"I dunno, I thought it was really cute." Lily smiled happily, until she saw Aislynn's triumphant look.

"I mean, sort of cute. As in somewhat. Not really - Stop smirking!"

-x-

"Are you mental, Padfoot? Absolutely insane? What on earth was that, you arse!" James said once they left.

"I've got an appointment in two days. Pomfrey sent that idiotic pamphlet with the note, and well, it pissed me off." Sirius said.

"As we all noticed." Remus deadpanned.

James smacked Sirius on the head, "You git! You ruined my moment with Lily for a _pamphlet?_"

"What? Evans?" Sirius said, bemused. "What happened?"

"Well, I saved Wormy's life, and she started…you know…."

"What?" Remus said.

"Yes… what?" Sirius asked, still out of it.

"Flirting." James said cockily.

"No way!" Peter gasped.

"Yep. Finally fell for the Potter charms."

"I thought you were just being stupid!" Peter said. "Especially because you kept blabbering."

"Blabbering?" Remus said, and he and Sirius shared a look which clearly said 'Hopeless!'

But James smiled smugly "That was the idea! I just pulled the old cute-shy-guy act."

Remus and Peter looked at him in confusion, but Sirius nodded "Aaah… the whole I'm-too-nervous-to-look-at-you-because-I'm-so-_shy _bit."

James grinned, and Sirius grinned back and asked, "Did you do everything?"

"Yup, neck-rubbing, blushing, blabbering, the whole nine yards!" he sighed dreamily, "Somewhere, right now, she's talking about how _adorable_ I am."


	10. A Medley of Misinterpreted Gestures

_November 12, Two months, eleven days_

"So… Do I get an explanation?" Minerva McGonagall tapped her foot angrily, arms crossed. Around her, faces displaying various stages of guilt (In Peter's case, severe indigestion) stood the Marauders.

There was a quick nonverbal fight which Sirius lost, so he cleared his throat and began to speak.

"Uh…yes, well. This whole situation really began because me and Prongs are both in pursuit of a lady… two different ones, I mean. Of course, if we were both after _one_ lady, it would be a little- well, actually… maybe not." Sirius turned to James, "I mean, Evans is pretty good looking, and, hell, _I_ wouldn't mind." Remus smacked his forehead. Peter made a face, but that was probably the indigestion.

James gave Sirius a reflective look, "Yeah, but if we're talking good looks, well, same with Hawthorne."

"Touché." Sirius said.

"And, plus," James continued, "Lily's too… quiet. Hawthorne seems more the type to … go for it."

Sirius kept up the discussion, "Maybe, but, it's the quiet ones you have to watch out for. The wild ones are predictable, but the bookworms can't be trusted. Remember Sonja?"

"Ooh, Sonja. Yes, I daresay I do."

At this point McGonagall realized what the topic _really_ was, and opened her mouth again. "Mister Potter! Mister Black! You are _not_ here to discuss… your personal affairs, you are here to explain what happened tonight!"

"Oh… well, that was Moony's fault." Sirius said.

"WHAT?" Remus said, "How- What- WHAT? It was not-"

"Excuse me!" Sirius held up a hand, "_I'm_ telling the story. Soo… We were talking. All of us. The four of us. Us for all and all for Us. We, as a gr-"

"Mister BLACK!"

"Okay, okay, _we _were talking about general stuff, when Moony, here, thought it'd be funny to mention how Prongs and I are having love life problems… which we're not. I have no problems, and Prongs has no love life."

"Hey!"

The other three rolled their eyes, and Sirius continued, "…Anyway. I told him to stuff it up his … well, you know. Then, Moony said he couldn't believe that as a soon-to-be parent, I was using such language- "

"Then Padfoot chucked a cushion at him." James supplied helpfully.

"Yep. Then Moony turned it into a bucket of water and dumped it on me. Or atleast, tried to, because-"

"-Because then, Mr. Genius over here," James jerked his thumb at Sirius, "deflected it and dumped it on ... errr, Whats-Her-Face Clopp." he stared at Sirius, who shrugged, then Remus, who frowned, then said, "Helga. Helga Clopp, _you dolt_."

"...Riiight, Helga." James said, "Yeah, well, she screamed and-"

"Hey, I thought I was telling this story!" Sirius burst in, "Professor! He stole my story!" He pointed an accusing finger at James, who did a double-take.

_"Your _story? Excuse me, _I_ turned the drapes into walruses."

"Yes, but, I turned everyone's hair purple."

_"After_ I turned the ceiling tiles into canaries._"_

Sirius nodded in recognition_, _"But, I turned the fireplace into a dragon." (A/N: A _small _one.)

Remus shook his head in resigned disbelief, "I can't believe they're fighting about who caused the most mass chaos." he shook his head again, then turned to McGonagall and picked up the thread of the story, "Anyway. Helga thought Padfoot dumped the water on her so she called him an, err, well, she basically called him fat. So he has one of his crazy mood swings, and yells 'I'm not fat!' And then she said he was going to be soon, so he yelled 'This is war!' And well... it kind of turned into James and Sirius driving everyone crazy..." he trailed off, and turned to James and Sirius who were still arguing.

James was saying "All right, All right, fine. But I made the walls sing _We Hate Slytherins_."

Sirius grinned, "_That_ was a great touch! But," He began with the air of someone about to win an argument, "I Vanished everyone's clothes." He grinned wickedly, and James gave a bow of submission, accompanied by an equally wicked grin.

"I bow to you, supreme creator of mischief. But _I_ blocked off the girls staircase."

"True, true. _That_ was brilliant!"

"Well, I try." James said with a fake-modest air. "Too bad half of the girls were at Hogsmeade."

"I _know. _But, did you _see_ Allyson Cardamom's-" At which point McGonagall regained control of the conversation and gave them all month and a half of detentions.

-x-

_November 23, Two months, twenty-two days_

"Prongs? I need to ask you something... It's really important." Sirius stood in front of James, arms crossed, looking serious. (A/N SORRY! My internal thesaurus died.)

James answered without looking "Elvendork." he looked up, "It's unisex."

Sirius stared at him, "What?"

"You weren't asking for names?"

"No, you dick! This is much more important."

James shrugged and leaned back, casually popping a piece of chocolate in his mouth, "All right. Shoot!"

"Okay. Am I getting fatter? Is this just me, or am I really gaining weight?"

James gaped at him, "...What."

Sirius took a deep breath, "You remember what that girl said to me last Tuesday? Well, I'm starting to get worried." he looked at James, "So?"

James snorted, "Merlin, you sound just like a bird." He shook his head and snorted once more, "Am I getting any fatter? Do these robes make me look big?" He mocked in a high-pitched voice.

Sirius glared at him, "I'm being bloody serious, you know."

"And who else would you be?" James immediately held up his hands, "Sorry, sorry. Couldn't resist." Then he glanced at Sirius, "Nah, you're not fat." He said. "You look fine."

"You can't tell like _that_, idiot!" Sirius said, before pulling his robes and his shirt off with one fluid motion, _"Now_ tell me._"_

James rolled his eyes, and said "I can't believe I'm doing this." Before walking over with the air of a martyr, muttering under his breath. With a flick of his wand he conjured a magnifying glass and held it close to Sirius' stomach. He leaned in close, his eye magnified to the size of a teacup. He made a great show of carefully looking Sirius' stomach over, while Sirius glared at him.

Suddenly there was the sound. Sirius looked over his shoulder in time to see Lily Evans walk through. She gave them a quick glance, saw Sirius, shirtless, and James hunched over in front of him, did a double-take, and gasped. Sirius waved, and she turned red in the face.

"Oh... I... I didn't know... you two... well, I mean... I _thought..._But Remus said... Well, bye!" She turned abruptly and fled.

James peered around Sirius' midsection to stare at the door. "Who was that?" he asked bemused.

"Evans. I dunno what's up with her. She took one look at us and-" Both of their eyes bugged out as they realized what she had seen, or at least, _thought _she'd seen.

"Oh shit!" James yelled out. He took off at a run and vaulted over the sofas, "Evans! Evans! Hey, Lily! Come back!"


	11. A Picture is Worth 1031 Words

_December 10, Three months, eight days_

"I hate everyone." Sirius said, moodily crossing his arms. "You all suck."

"What's wrong with you?" James asked, raising an eyebrow.

"I've another appointment with Pomfrey."

"For what?"

"A _checkup_. For my childbearing... situation."

"Ohh." James nodded understandingly, and Remus gave him a sympathetic smile.

"Wait, but why do you hate everyone, then?" Peter said.

"You try having someone poke up your bum for an hour, and see how _you_ feel about the world!" Sirius said, before hopping out of his seat, "Right. I'm leaving now."

"Bye."

"See you!"

"Don't leave me, Padfootsie!" Sirius glared over his shoulder at James, and so, walked straight into... you guessed it.

"God_da- _Oh. Hey, Aislynn."

"Hey, where to?"

He frowned.

"Hell."

-x-

_1 hour later_

"Paddy me laddy buck! You're back."

Sirius made a face, "What the- Paddy me what?"

James smirked, and turned to Aislynn, Remus and Peter, "I told you he'd do that."

Remus rolled his eyes, Peter stared in awe at James' amazing foresight, and Aislynn said, "Okay, we bow to your supreme knowledge of... things."

"Hah!"

Sirius (in a well-timed attempt to make people focus on him again) narrowed his eyes. "Next time you call me that, I will kill you. Slowly. Painfully." He jabbed his finger at James, "Got that?"

James raised his hands in surrender, "All right, all right." He peered at Sirius' hand, which was clutching a roll of paper, "What's that?"

Sirius glanced downwards, "Oh, that? Pomfrey said the baby's finally big enough to see, so I got a picture of it. Neat, huh?"

"Ooh! Ooh! Let me see!" Aislynn clapped her hands excitedly, "I love baby pictures."

Sirius shrugged acquiescence and plopped down on the nearest sofa. He unrolled the page and grabbed Remus' book ("Hey! I was reading that!") to weigh down the corner.

They all crowded around the paper (Remus took the opportunity to smack Sirius: "Ow!") and stared at it for a bit.

There was a pause as they searched the picture. Finally, Aislynn said "There's no baby."

"There is so!" Sirius said.

"No there isn't! There aren't hands or feet or anything!"

"Well, it's not that big, it hasn't got any hands yet! It actually looks a bit like a prawn. Or a peanut."

James squinted at the picture again, looking puzzled, and finally pointed at something, "Is that it?"

Sirius repositioned it to look at what James was pinting to. "No. I meant the other peanutty thing."

"Ah." James said, "That other peanutty thing. Thanks for clearing that up, mate."

Aislynn pointed at another one, "How 'bout that one?"

"Nope. At least, I don't think so."

Remus took a turn, "Is it this one?"

"Is what this one?" They all turned around to see Lily, who was walking over to them, looking curious.

"Is the baby this peanutty thing." Aislynn explained.

Lily raised an eyebrow.

"We're playing 'Where's the baby in Padfoot's stupid picture from Pomfrey?'" James said, frustratedly staring at afore-mentioned photograph.

"_Madam_ Pomfrey." Lily corrected, "Hmmm. Is it that one?"

"Which one?" Sirius asked.

"The one's that's moving."

Sirius rolled his eyes, "C'mon, Evans! They're all moving!"

She sighed and squished herself in between Aislynn and Peter, then reached out and pointed _"That_ one._"_

"Oh. No."

"Do you actually _know_ which one it is?" Remus said exasperatedly.

Sirius shrugged, "No. I just figure I'll know when I see it, you know?"

"You're such a moron! There's at least twenty of these peanutty things!" Aislynn cried.

Sirius gave a dramatic sigh, "Aislynn, Aislynn, Aislynn. How can you doubt my pregnancy intuition?" he tutted at her, "Shame on you."

"Your what?"

James grinned, "Pregnancy intuition." he said, snickering.

Lily pointed at another one, "Is that it?"

Sirius shook his head, "No, it's not." He paused thoughtfully. "Actually, I think Remus already guessed that one."

"Really?" Remus looked at it. "I don't know."

"We should name them so we know which one's which!" Aislynn suggested brightly.

"Excellent idea!" Sirius said, "I commend your thinking." (Cue eye roll at flirting tactics)

"Alright!" James yelled, also eager, "That one, that looks like a lima bean can be Moony Peanut."

"Moony Peanut?"

"Lima bean? I make you think of lima beans?"

Lily jumped in, "Ooh! That one looks like it has a giant head! That can be James Peanut!"

Everyone laughed over James' protests.

"And that one looks like an over sized arse! That's Peter!"

"I don't have a big butt!"

"No, it looks like a giant pair of tits! That should be Lily Peanut!" James said. (FOOL!)

Lily's jaw dropped, "WHAT? You insensitive wart! I can't believe I was beginning to have a good opinion of you! How _dare-_"

"See that one? I think it looks like a pair of specs, it should be Specs Peanut!" Aislynn threw in.

"No... it should be Me Peanut." Sirius said, "Because if you look at it the _other_ way it looks like a huge pair of-"

"-didn't mean to insult you! It was a compliment!"

"Sirius _Black_ that's disgusting! I did not want to hear that!"

"Eh." Sirius shrugged, "It was for my personal amusement."

Remus squinted at it, "Actually, I have to say I agree, it really does-"

"Hah! We've corrupted you too!" Sirius crowed.

"-worst compliment _I've _ever received."

"No! I meant with Aislynn! It looks like specs! Not... male reproductive... organs."

"See, I'm right!"

"Moony, you're such a pansy! Just say it!"

"No way!"

"Pansy. Pansy!"

"Fine, you prat!"

"-such incredible disrespect for females-"

"I'm sorry! I'm an idiot!" James yelled.

"Yes, you are!" Lily said, before stalking off.

"You're not s'posed to- Evans! Evans!" James followed her out.

The others ignored the drama, "Remus!" Aislynn said, shocked, "I can't believe you!"

"We _do_ have you corrupted! Hah!"

Aislynn rolled her eyes, "Boys!" before she, too, walked off.

The three remaining boys stared at each other.

"I _don't _have a big arse." Peter said definitively.

"Shut up, Wormtail."


	12. Hell Hath No Fury Like Prongs?

_December 21, Three months, twenty days_

"So... Prongs."

James shot an irritable glance at Peter.

"_What_ Wormtail?"

"How... are things... between you and Lily...now?"

"How else?" James said bitterly. "She's still not talking to me! Apparently complimenting her tits is a horrible sin, and thanks to her, my Christmas break is ruined!" James proceeded to stuff more clothing haphazardly into his suitcase. "Women."

Sirius snorted in agreement, "Amen."

Remus looked at him, puzzled. "What's your problem? You and Aislynn are fine, aren't you?"

"Yeah, but Lynn isn't the problem, is she?" Sirius kicked his bedpost.

"Lynn?" Remus said with a snort, "Now you have a nickname for her?"

Sirius shrugged, "Eh. Aislynn is too long."

"Aislynn is too long? What about Sirius, then? What's her nickname for you? Si-si?"

James let out a snort, while Sirius looked disgusted. "What the hell is it with you and bad names, Moony?" he said.

This time Remus made a face, "What do you mean what is it with me and bad names?"

James answered, "Well, you were the one who wanted to name the kid Flamethrower or whatever, remember?" He dug through his clothing, "Hey, have any of you seen my slippers? I swear I just saw them a few weeks ago, but they're missing!"

"Why does he even bring slippers? He never wears them…" Peter whispered to Remus. However, for once, Remus was not listening.

"Fl- Flamethrower?" He spluttered.

"Oh, you know, when you had that horrible list of horrible names?" Sirius replied. He turned to James, "Have you checked under Wormtail's bed, Prongs? I swear the kid hoards all sorts of random rubbish under there!"

"I don't hoard things!" Peter yelled, "They're just safe under my bed!"

"You'd be able to stick them in your trunk like the rest of us if you could do a proper locking charm. Here, move." James said, pushing past him.

"What do you mean, horrible list of horrible names? They were good!" Remus protested.

"They weren't. At all." Sirius said with a snort.

"Prongs, do you think they were bad?" Remus asked.

James raised an eyebrow and shared an incredulous look with Sirius, "Uh, _yeah_, they sucked." He shrugged at Remus, "Sorry." He proceeded to crouch next to Peter's bed and peer underneath. "What the hell, Wormtail, I can't see a bloody thing under here!"

"Why didn't any of you say they sucked, then?" Remus said loudly.

"We did." Sirius said.

"And we are again." James said, then "Merlin, Wormy, did something crawl in and die? It smells like shit!"

Peter didn't say anything, just continued packing with a mulish expression on his face.

Remus glared at all of them as if hoping for some unseen source of support, then threw his hands up and turned back to his half-packed bag, "None of you have any appreciation for proper names, is all…Hey, Padfoot, you never did say–"

James suddenly gave an eager shout "Ah-hah!" He grabbed at something, "There's my bloody- Wait, no, that's not what I- Oh, shit!"

There was a loud boom, and multicolored smoke erupted from under the bed. James turned around.

Sirius jumped up on the bed with a yell of horror, followed by Remus, and Peter (who attempted to, at least, but fell over, poor thing).

"Merlin's balls, Prongs! What the hell happened?"

James grimaced at them, his face now that of a (terrifically, horribly, puke green) gargoyle's "Well, now we know where our Halloween-themed MetaMorpho Cookies went." He glared at Peter. Then as Peter attempted to apologize, "Don't worry about it. It only lasts an hour, so no worries…" he paused to look under the bed thoughtfully (but which, due to his current face, looked more murderous than anything) "It's weird, but I think the fact that they're two months past the expiry date made them explosive or something… hmm… something to think about, eh, Paddy, me lad."

Because having one of their roommates' faces transformed into a six-year-old's nightmare was _not _as uncommon as it was in many other places, Remus shook his head and made a silent plea to whatever Power-that-Be was responsible for this, Peter gave an extra shudder, and Sirius threatened James' facial features (and other, more important, body parts) with dire and severe fates before returning to his packing.

"I told you never to call me that, you arse! And you know, now that you mention it, we _have_ been a bit easy on those ugly snakes."

James grinned impishly (again, translate murderous), "That's my little Padsy-pie, not even pregnancy can stop you! And if I remember correctly you said not to call you 'Paddy, me laddy buck'. No mention of anything else."

There were more severe threats to James' person, Remus mouthed 'Padsy-Pie' to Peter with a look of disgust, and afore-mentioned threats were returned in kind, when James sighed. "Still can't believe she's not talking to me…" He shook his head. "Women… suck." He said decisively.

"Suck what? It's not like you have anything –" Sirius began, before being hit by various random (very hard) items from James' half-packed suitcase.

"Hey, you can't throw things at people whose backs are turned! That's hitting below the belt, you –"

"Person of illegitimate descent?"

"_Thank you, _Moony." Sirius said, rolling his eyes, just as James burst out, "Below the belt? I think that _comment _was below the bloody belt, you –!"

"I think Prongs is right." Remus tactfully interrupted again. "Very correct, indeed."

"Yeah." Peter put in, "We ought to send Padfoot to obedience school, haha."

"That was only ever funny the first time, Petey." Sirius said. "You're practically of age, think of something on your own for once."

"Doesn't make it any less true." James mumbled. "Have you bloody neutered… make you shut up…" he continued under his breath.

Maybe it was all the talk of neutering, but Sirius thought things were getting a bit too close to the Little General for comfort. "Oh, fine, fine. Don't get your knickers in a twist." He said, slightly panicked, and then grinned. "But what would I do with my life if I didn't use it to embarrass Prongs? Not that he makes it difficult, mind you."

James smirked, looking scarier than before (was that possible? I don't know…) and said, "So you're admitting that your life revolves around me?"

"Hah! Keep dreaming… Arse."

"Hey, Prongs," Remus said, "Are _these _by any chance your slippers?" He gestured at a messy… well, mess in the corner behind his bed that looked faintly like slippers… 'faintly' being the key word here.

"Wha… yes! What the hell happened to them?" James asked, sounding shocked.

"Whoa," Peter said, "It looks like they got chewed on or…some… thing…" He looked at Remus who had the same look of sudden realization on his face. All eyes turned to Sirius, who was whistling innocently.

"What?" He said.

"Did you eat my slippers?" James asked.

"Well," Sirius began, "Technically, Prongs, –"

"You ate my slippers?" James said in disbelief, "You _ate _my _slippers_? I can't believe this!"

"Neither can I!" Remus said, "Since when have slippers been your thing?"

"Well, it's your bloody fault for transforming on the second day back from vacation! We got back to the room, and I was bored! And hungry! And dogs _like _shoes."

"YOU ATE MY SLIPPERS!" James screamed. "Do you understand what this means? My grandmother gave them to me! They were authentic brown leather, and they were freaking monogrammed! _Monogrammed, _I tell you!"

"Authentic leather, huh? That must be why they tasted so good…"

"You think this is funny? You think this is _funny_! I'll kill you!"

"Whoa, mate, let's just be careful where we – OY! I'm carrying a child here! Would you –"

"Ooh, ouch that must really – ooh. _Ooh_."

"I agree. I have to say – nice shot, Prongs! Padfoot _does _deserve – OW! Not that, though! Hey, hey, cut it out, you two! Padfoot, I'm telling you, don't – fight back. Don't– Peter, get out from under the bed, would you? It's not any – Oh for – STOP IT!"

In short, an entirely normal day for the Marauders.

-x-


	13. Ritual Sacrifice or Bad Storytelling

_Later_

"You're an arse."

"You are."

"No, _you_ are."

"Oh, for – I'm bloody green! And pimply…looking…on my face…"

"And that's _my_ fault? This great, fat, set of breasts on the other hand is _entirely_ your fault. Brilliant bloody birthday present!"

"Oh, come on, I _gave_ you an actual present, and it was very thoughtful, if I do say so myself! Also, good alliteration, by the way." Sirius bowed, and then James continued ranting, "Anyway, none of this would have happened if you hadn't eaten my slippers!"

"Oh, yes. We all bow to your sacred, authentic leather, monogrammed bloody slippers."

"Hey –!"

Remus shoved himself between the two bickering boys. "Shut up. Just shut up! You two…" He paused to point to each of them, "are idiots. James, there are about twenty minutes – less! – until the cookie thing wears off, and Sirius, you're an _Animagus_ –" Remus voice dropped to a whisper on that word, " – you could get rid of…those…" with a wave at Sirius' newly developed appendages, "…whenever you wanted! You're just keeping them so that you can whine about it."

"Or so he can satisfy himself without having a girl around." James sniped.

"Prongs, do you have a death wish?" Sirius said, suggestively fingering his wand. (Le snigger.)

"Yeah." James said, nastily. "For you."

"Okay, that's it –" Sirius was fortuitously interrupted, however, by the sudden appearance of Aislynn, who grinned and walked over.

"Hey, you." She said to Sirius with a cheery wave, then stopped short and raised an eyebrow at him. "Are you… trying to get a leg up on breast feeding or something?" she said, staring pointedly at his overlarge assets.

"You're just jealous." Sirius said haughtily, "It's his fault, though, in case you're wondering." He pointed accusingly at James.

Aislynn turned to look and jumped back on finally seeing James, "Ah! …You're… green."

James shrugged, "Eh. MetaMorpho cookie. Anyway, _in case you're wondering,_" with a pointed stare at Sirius,"thatprat there only got those things because _he_ is responsible for the destruction of my slippers. My _monogrammed _slippers. Made of _leather._"

"Destruction? It can't have been _that _bad." Aislynn said, bracingly.

"Au contraire, mon frere…er...mon soeur…?" James paused, tapping his chin thoughtfully.

"It would be 'ma soeur', actually, because sister is feminine and-"

"Okay, okay, shut up Moony. Ptolemy's toenails, mate, give your lectures to someone who _cares…_Now, where was I?" James paused again. "Ah yes, I was telling you the tragic tale of the destruction of my innocent, harmless slippers."

"Oh, don't be so dramatic, tragic tale of destruction, my –"

"_Anyway_ … the story goes like this: my shoes were _devoured_ in the prime of their short, uneventful lives by a rabid, filthy, uncontrolled animal. Who smells."

"Uncontrolled? Rabid? Filthy? What? Who asked you to leave your stupid slippers there in the first place?" Sirius yelled.

"Well, no one asked you to go and gnaw on them either!"

"That's not my fault! If it wasn't for Moony's furry issue-"

"Whoa, whoa, wait." Aislynn interrupted, "_Sirius _ate them?" She looked at him in shock, "I knew you had weird cravings, but _shoes?_ That's _really_ pushing it. "

There was an awkward pause.

"W-What are you talking about?" James began, blinking innocently, "Why would Padfoot eat my slippers?"

Aislynn stared at him, "I don't know, you're the one who said it, _you _explain."

"Oh, you thought I meant that Sirius _literally _ate them…" James said, nodding understandingly, "Ohh…no, no, what I actually meant was that he _metaphorically_ ate my slippers." Peter gaped at him in bewilderment, while Remus mouthed "metaphorically?" in disbelief.

Aislynn's eyebrow rose higher still, "He… metaphorically ate your slippers." She said flatly.

Remus jumped in, "He means that Sirius is responsible for the shoe eating. Not that he … metaphorically… ate the shoes." He shot an exasperated look at James, who shrugged.

"And how is 'he' responsible, exactly?" Sirius burst in furiously, "Excuse me, none of this would have happened if it wasn't for Moony's stupid furry issue –!"

"Now there's fur involved?" Aislynn interrupted, "What are you, ritually sacrificing animals or something?"

"What? No! Moony's just got a problem– though, I mean there was that one time with the rat –" Sirius paused thoughtfully, and Aislynn burst out with, "Wait, you do?" at the same time Peter yelled, "There was a time with a _rat_? When?"

Remus gave a shamefaced shrug, "Just the _once, _it was a mistake!"

Aislynn gaped. "You lot _ritually sacrificed _a rat_? Just the once?_"

James butt in, attempting to smooth things over, "Of course we didn't, _Moony _did. Well, not ritually sacrifice so much as devour, really."

"_You_ ate a RAT?"

Mission: Smooth Things Over? _Fail_.

"Hey, don't get so angry!" Sirius said, "You can't expect Remus to take responsibility for what Moony does! He doesn't even know until the next morning!"

"Wait, what's going on here? He doesn't know until the next morning? So you're hypnotizing Remus into a trance so he can devour rats and various small mammals or something?"

"What? We don't do anything like that!" James yelled, while Peter went to go hide behind a pillar. When your friends started eating rats, it was every rodent for himself. "Remus has a…a…furry little problem. Which is responsible for the rat eating. Remus is not responsible for the rat eating. His… problem did the rodent devouring."

"And also," Sirius chimed in, "The shoe chewing!"

James glared at him, "Did not! That was all you!"

"What do you mean? It was like the second day of school and we didn't go to dinner! Food is a necessity for life!"

"So you just decide, hey, let's just destroy _my _slippers?"

"Well…"

"That's demented!"

"Oy –!"

"So lemme get this straight." Aislynn said, turning to Remus, "You, _Remus,_ not Moony, own some sort of a… deranged, killer animal that eats rats? And chews shoes? Which is also named Moony, in some of the most insane verbal acrobatics I've ever heard of?"

Remus coughed, "Erm. Yes. That's correct."

"And Sirius was supposed to be looking after it, but he got hungry, and let it out, and it ate James' slippers, and that's why Sirius has breasts?"

"Wow." Remus said. "You…you figured that out really fast! I'm impressed."

Aislynn shook her head, resignedly, "I shouldn't be surprised. You lot are nutters."

"Not all of us. Just those two."

She shrugged, "I'm just relieved that you're not some sort of a bloodthirsty, crazed fiend who goes out every so often trying to ritually sacrifice people. And also," giving him a sharp glance, "why didn't you just _say _you had a psychotic rabbit or whatever it is in the first place?"

"Er, didn't really think of it at the time, to be honest."

She shook her head again. "Whatever. I'm going to go pick a compartment. Come find me if you can get the old married couple to quit squabbling."

"– Yeah, well, you look like a gargoyle!"

"And you have a pair of breasts, so you shouldn't be talking!"

"Maybe I like the breasts!"

"I bet you do, you transgender, cross dressing fiend!"

"_What_ was that? You –"

"So you didn't actually eat a rat?" Peter slowly peered at Remus from behind his pillar.

"Er." Remus said, "Yes. About that. I did eat something." Peter flung himself back behind the pillar with a squeak. "But that was before you lot finished the transformation, in the middle of fourth year or something. So you don't need to worry about it. And, also, I think it was actually a mouse." This seemed to give Peter more confidence, and he drew himself out from behind the pillar.

"So… you won't ever eat me, will you, Remus?"

"Well, stick close to Prongs, and I won't. I don't usually get too close to those antlers."

"You're ugly!"

"You stink!"

James and Sirius had begun to wander back to the other two.

"I stink? You're the one who takes biweekly showers!"

"At least I'm not the one who gets all poncy and conditions my hair for an hour and a half!" James ended on this triumphant note, when suddenly:

"Have you realized that the train's about to leave?" They turned around to face a pretty blonde girl, who suddenly let out a shriek. This led to a moderately catastrophic luggage drop (courtesy of Remus), and Peter clutching his foot and running… err, hopping about, howling with pain.

"Oh…sweet Circe, I'm sorry, it's just – your _face…_" the girl finished weakly, clutching her heart.

James rolled his eyes, "Sadly enough, I'm actually getting used to it." She shot him a dimpled smile, before turning to Remus, "Hi there!"

"Er…hi." He smiled a wan, wimpy sort of smile, a little bit like the smile that comes right after being sucker-punched by a beefy bodybuilder. "Jane."

"Congrats on that 98% in Arithmancy, by the way, Professor Vector was absolutely _raving_ about you."

"Yeah? Errm, she does tend to do that, haha…" Remus gave a nervous cough that the girl, Jane, seemed not to notice.

"Where are you going for hols?"

"Oh. Uh…Home."

"Well, sounds nice." She seemed to be waiting for him to say something, before giving another wide, dimpled grin, "Okay. See you later then."

Remus stared after her, looking a little forlorn.

"Mooooony." James began.

"I believe there's something here that we need to address." Sirius continued, before staring at Peter for the next part of the sentence.

"Wow. She's really pretty, isn't she?" Peter said innocently. James and Sirius shot him disbelieving stares.

"No, Wormy, this is where you ask w_ho the hell she was._" Sirius said grouchily. "She's really pretty? Honestly? What are you, four?"

"Well, she said her name was Jean, didn't she?" Peter blustered defensively.

"Jane." Remus corrected, seeming resigned, now that James and Sirius had begun, "Jane Howlands."

"Jane. Howlands." The other three simpered.

"What a darling girl."

"A goddess among women."

"And she really _is _pretty."

"Oh, shut up." Remus said.


	14. And A Happy Bloody Christmas to You, Too

_January 6th, Four months, five days_

"No. Just no, Sirius. _Never._"

Sirius looked at him, stunned by the betrayal.

"_Prongs_. Tell me it's not so. I'm not allowed to use your nail clippers?"

"No." James pointed a finger at him. "_No._"

"Prooooooongs." Sirius wailed. "Base treachery! Total perfidy! You're denying a mate in need!"

"Padfoot, _you're living in my house._"

"…I think you're trying to make a point here."

"_I am making a point!_" James shrieked.

Sirius raised an eyebrow.

"So your point is that I'm using your spare bed, your blankets, your cutlery, your silverware, your broom, your _bathroom_ – but I'm not allowed to use your nail clippers?"

"It's _unclean, _Padfoot. I mean, you're polluting my pristine clippers with all the gunk in your toes." James said primly.

"There _is_ no gunk in my toes." Sirius shook his head in bewilderment, "Seriously, I vomit in your toilet, Prongs, –"

"Don't remind me."

"– I share your _toothbrush._"

"You- You whaa?" James gawked at him.

"Well, what?" Sirius said, sounding exasperated, "You didn't expect me to dramatically storm out of my house with nothing but my wand and a _toothbrush_. How did you _think _I'd been keeping my teeth as white as … newly fallen snow?" He flashed a blinding smile, which James, totally appalled, completely ignored.

"Padfoot." James began at last, "You don't understand. Sharing a toothbrush is like indirect _snogging._" The smile fell off of Sirius' face like- like a dropping icicle (in defense of the similes, it was snowing).

"_Prongs._" He said, aghast, "_Ew_."

"I have your _saliva _in my _mouth._" James said in blank horror, "We have _traded spit._"

With a simultaneous "_Heeuuurrrgh_," of disgust, they stampeded towards the bathroom.

-x-

"I think I need to _Scourgify_ my mouth." James said, exaggeratedly scraping at his tongue.

"Don't. It tastes horrible." Sirius' voice meandered out of the bathroom.

"How do you know?" James said, curiously.

"I just tried it." James made a face as Sirius exited the restroom, still spitting out soapsuds.

"Ick."

"Yup."

"So…" James began, "You never exactly explained why you…what was it? Dramatically stormed out of the old house and home? Without a toothbrush?"

"Ah. That. Well. You know. The usual."

"The… usual. I reckon that usually leads you to storm over here with no prior warning, eh? In the middle of a raging snowstorm? While it's cold?"

Sirius frowned, "All right, not the usual… but considering the _situation, _I s'pose it wasn't really expected to be the _usual_…"

"Ah ha!" James said, striking a pose, "The bun in the oven."

Sirius shrugged and looked away, "Yeah, exactly, the… the what?" He turned bak and gave James a disgusted look, "The bun in the…Where are you getting this rubbish? First, Padsy-Pie and now bun in the oven?"

"No, no," James admonished, "_First_ it was Paddy-me-laddy-buck, I believe, and then -" he neatly ducked a pillow, "-_and then_," he continued, "was Paddy-me-lad, and _then-_" He ducked a few more projectiles, and sighed dramatically. "All right, all right, I'll stop. But you, dea-" He ducked again as a lamp flew over his head, and looked up, outraged, "I haven't even said anything yet!" He burst out.

Sirius gave a triumphant cackle, "Ha!" he said. "You _were_ going to!"

James rolled his eyes, "Entirely beside the point, Padfoot. _You_ owe me a tale of disowning…ment. Thing. You know."

"It was completely the point, and I don't owe you a – oh, _stop _that." James was pouting, "Honestly –All right." Sirius said resignedly, rolling his eyes. "Since you want to hear it."

-x-

_December 23st, Three months, twenty-two days_

So the whole "confession thing" had not gone well. This might have been because it hadn't been Sirius who made it.

"I told Mother _everything,_" Regulus had begun crowing as soon as they were off the train. "She's absolutely _livid_! I think she was even going to send you a _Howler, _except she only got the letter yesterday and it would have made no sense because it wouldn't have gotten here fast enough."

Kreacher's endless drone wandered over from the front of the kitchen. "…Nasty little blood traitor master breaking poor kind Mistress' heart and no respect for the house of his Forefathers and no care for how his actions hurt his poor kind family and…"

"I prefer my evil villains with eyepatches." Sirius muttered to himself. "And missing limbs."

-x-

_January 6th, Four months, five days_

"Even the mental house elf got to yell at you? Merlin." James said.

"Yeah, and then Father and Mother took turns at it – and you know how _she_ gets."

"I keep forgetting how mental your lot are." James said thoughtfully. "You should make them … drink their way to tolerance."

"I've tried." Sirius said earnestly, "But it's usually only me that gets drunk. And I'm already tolerant." He paused ruefully. "Anyway," he began, "On with the story –"

-x-

_December 23st, Three months, twenty-two days_

And as if that weren't bad enough, Regulus had apparently sent all of his nancy-pansy Slytherin friends letters as well – and they were _loving_ the turn of events. So all throughout the Annual Black Family Christmas Party –

-x-

_January 6th, Four months, five days_

"Not the bleeding Christmas Party!" James wailed.

"_Yes_, the bleeding Christmas Party," Sirius said grimly, "And I couldn't even drink myself unconscious this time."

James rolled his eyes. "You talk about getting pissed so often, mate, I reckon you're going to be a total drunkard when you're old."

-x-

_December 23st, Three months, twenty-two days_

Anyway, throughout the party he had been repeatedly accosted by groups of schoolchildren cracking jokes about a) his homosexuality, b) his lack of restraint in certain situations and c) how, attractive exactly he would look in six months.

Even worse were the adults - they weren't after him, but his foul cousin's father-in-law was enjoying the mead a bit too much, and Uncle Cygnus was certainly dipping into to something which wasn't snuff. Kreacher was a periodic nightmare, wandering around muttering a quiet commentary.

"...making messes in the houses of Mistress' forefathers drinking like pigs for all their noble history and no bother of proper behaviour in their piggy little heads..."

Plus he was sure his stomach was getting bigger (as in, hello, bump!), and in a few weeks he would be hearing jokes about d) his size.

He was glad he hadn't met Snivellus yet, because he wasn't quite sure what he'd do to the dirty little rat-faced—

"Ah, if it isn't… Mr. _Black_." The sneering voice was immediately recognizable.

"Snivellus." Sirius said. "We meet again."

The duel was all right – Snivelly had gotten the worst of it, despite (or perhaps because of) Sirius' wonky pregnancy magic – and then his mother showed up.

-x-

_January 6th, Four months, five days_

"Hahaa! Nice one!" James crowed, "Whatcha do?"

"M'not really sure," Sirius said, thoughtfully, "It looked sort of as though his hair ended up dyed in rainbow colours, and then he got beaten into submission by a horde of sentient pickles."

"Wicked!" James said, pumping his fists, "And then what?"

"Well," Sirius said "Then Mother had another go at me, you know, in the middle of the party, _while_ everyone else kept talking, mind you – "

-x-

_December 23st, Three months, twenty-two days_

"– AS IF YOU WEREN'T ALREADY A BLOOD TRAITOR! THIS IS AN ABOMINATION! ("'S '_braxas_, not 'bominashus, ruddy bint allus' sayin' it wrong –") _AN ABOMINATION_ AGAINST WIZARDKIND! A STAIN AGAINST OUR HONOUR! ("– be a stain on the tapestry, eh? Eh?" "_Shh!_ They can _hear _you, Cygnus.") FIRST YOU DARE TO SHOW YOUR FACE TO ME WITH THAT FOUL THING RESTING BENEATH YOUR FLESH! AND NOW YOU WILL DISHONOUR US FURTHER BY, BY, _BRAWLING _IN PUBLIC! DISGRACEFUL CREATURE! ("Mistress called?") HOW WILL WE SHOW OUR FACE IN POLITE SOCIETY! HOW, I ASK YOU, _HOW?_"

-x-

_January 6th, Four months, five days_

" –and then, I think I told her where she ought to stuff it –"

-x-

_December 23st, Three months, twenty-two days_

"–AND NOBODY IN THIS PLACE HAS A BIT OF _SENSE_, YOU'RE ALL NUTTERS – I MEAN, LOOK AT THIS, YOU CALL THIS A _PARTY_ – EVERYBODY'S _DRUNK _("M'not drun', jus' a bit tipsy, s'all –") AND THE HORS D'OEUVRES TASTE LIKE DEAD RAT (Nasty little master – calling Mistress' grilled filet d'souris names.) _EVERY YEAR, _AND WOULD IT _KILL _YOU TO GET AN INTERIOR DECORATOR, THIS PLACE LOOKS LIKE A MAUSOLEUM DECORATED BY A COLORBLIND _GHOUL _–"

-x-

_January 6th, Four months, five days_

"And, yeah, then she blasted me off, and I made a run for it and told her I hoped the bathrooms smell like Dungbombs 'til the Apocalypse-"

"Which isn't your fault?"

" –_'course _not – but they'll probably stink _forever, _and all things considered, I think it was a very suitable touch."

-x-

_(PuppyProngs, this one's at you!)_


End file.
